When it comes to landing the undergrad tail, college guys have it easy. It's college and that's when you make your poor decisions. Ask your parents.

But it is my lot in life to make it even easier. So now that I've given you some Tips of F&@-Shui and Reasons Not To Bunk Your Bed, it's time to address a few common mistakes that young men make in their first home away from home. Avoid these and it will help make your room stand out from the crowd and lead to more of the old in-out-in-out.

Don’t Buy Plants

Everyone thinks plants are cool or will make ladies think you are sensitive, clean or God only knows what, but plants lead to mold, smell and bugs; and not the kind you get from sex. Or as I call them, Love Roaches.

Don’t Buy Your Posters at a Campus Poster Sale

Every douchebag on campus has already seen and passed on that poster of Jimi Hendrix you had to have, you should too. Do you even like Hendrix anyway? Or do you just smoke a lot. These are things to ask yourself.

Don’t Have a Guitar You Don’t Play

Are you a rock star?  Are you trying out for Nashville Star as the next big singer/songwriter?  You're in college, so no. If you play regularly, feel free to keep it out. But if you don’t play and you just keep it visible for pussy, the ladies will eventually ask you to play and you’ll be exposed for the American Idol wannabe you are.

More after the jump.

    You’re strolling down frat row on a cool October day, (you do stroll, don’t you? It is much hotter then walking, trotting, or even sauntering, and sauntering is pretty friggin' sexy)  and the most beautiful golden-haired cheerleader you have ever seen comes walking right towards you.  You both make eye contact and she smiles coyly, she playfully brushes your chest with her pom-poms as she compliments your look, spinning away into the night.  You try and follow her but you are interrupted by two busty female police officers.

“Halt, we have some questions we would like to ask you sir. Sexy questions." 

    They are both attempting to handcuff you to them, who are in turn handcuffed to eachother. When suddenly, Rainbow Brite snatches your hand, offers you a mysterious green liquor, and whisks you into a large structure you discover is comprised of black plastic sheeting. 

    This, my friends, is not the beginning to some crazy Hostel style dream.  This a college campus on the most glorious holiday of the year.  Halloween.   Not only is it perfectly acceptable to wear absolutely whatever you want to your class, work, court date or whatever you call the place where you have sex for money; and not only does it lend itself to the best party name ever: All Swallows Eve; but I’ll let you all in on a super secret holiday tradition, a ritual that goes back so far it is unknown if its origins are legend or if it is a legend that its origins are unknown. A ritual so sacred even the most reserved and conservative revelers of other holidays cast aside there morays and join in for one hedonistic night. That secret is of course:  Bitches get naked. 

    All girls, everywhere, for some reason have deemed it that on October 31st no cleavage is too much, no skirt is too short, no pleather is too stretched.  Basically, it’s a spiritual calling to release one’s inner ho.  It is because of this, Halloween is a night for some amazing and classic hookups.  What other evening would girls most like to engage in something wildy fun and irresponsible than an evening they have spent over a month agonizing over the best way to look Sooooo Hottttt.  For this reason, I have provided some costume dos and donts to ensure that random piece of holiday flair left in some young, unsuspecting coeds dorm room is yours. I still want back my official Ghost Busters inflatable proto pack, Ms. Slutty Pink Power Ranger.

KEEP READING FOR COSTUME DOs & DONTs

While stinky piles of clothes, half-eaten food, and the occasional shin-deep pile of PBR cans all can greatly reduce the sensuality of your 14x11 carnal palace there are a few tips that can only be gleaned from hours upon hours of hard, sweaty, throbbing, satisfying work.  These tips are all tested and approved by Dr. Newcastle, and each one is designed to change her reaction from a forced  “Oh that’s a nice Scarface poster,” to the far more encouraging, "why are we still wearing pants?"

 
Tip #1 - The Body Pillow
I know I know, the body pillow. The very thought of going into Joanne’s Fabrics and buying one seems quite, how you say blatantly homosexual, but the greatest piece of equipment one can purchase to take your dormicile from cell-like room to Lovenasium is the body pillow.  In dorm rooms, one is at a premium for space and combining furniture is a must.  Taking advantage of this idea, a body pillow is the most essential tool for turning casual nights into casual hook-ups. To fully exploit (and I mean it in every sense of the word) ones space, I place the body pillow sideways on my bed against the wall.  While chicks already dig body pillows, this step turns your bed into a couch as well, removing the stigma of the "bed" you already had your way with her roommate on.  While casual acquaintances may be hesitant to hop in bed with you and watch a movie, if your bed is nicely made and with a body pillow on back, it’s the logical and most comfortable place to sit and watch TV, listen to music, smoke pot, or if you have to, talk.  Before you may have to awkwardly say, “come sit on the bed with me,” I assure you a properly placed body pillow means she walks in, kicks of her heels and hops right on your bed before you have time to say something stupid.

     As the semester begins thousands of students arrive on campus with the hopes of higher education, all night parties and sloppy dorm room sex.  While I don’t think anyone needs any help to find education or parties at college, my experiences have taught me that most dorm rooms are less than conducive to the pansexual gymnastics we should be striving for in college. To make the most out of tight quarters, it is not unusual for roommates to raise their mattresses towards the heavens to allow more floor area. While your parents agreed with this decision, let me lay it out there plainly and directly - bunking your beds is a terrible idea.

     I repeat. DO NOT BUNK YOUR BEDS
   

     I cannot stress this enough.  Nothing is more of a hindrance to hookups than your 17 ft high bed that shakes like Nick Jonas' diabetic seizure.  Your roommate will want to bunk the beds because he’s in the campus church club and sex is not an option till he’s met an equally unattractive girl.  If he simply will not relent make sure you take the bottom bunk. It's not like he will need it anyways. But push for non-vertical sleeping arrangements. Your dorm room already feels like a prison cell, no need to adopt similar sleeping arrangements to convicts doing 20 to life. The reasons for anti-bunkage are numerous, but I will try and hit the most important ones.

REASON #1

Have you ever tried to climb up or down a poorly constructed ladder naked?  Think about it. At what angle does a naked man look good going up or a down a ladder? Vomited yet, I thought so. No good comes from a being naked on a ladder, its not flattering for your pale ass and it's extremely dangerous for any organs that maybe dangling or sticking out as you try to scale your tower.   

REASON #2

How are you going to get her up there.  With my properly placed body pillow a simple lean can turn into making out which can turn into “I don’t normally do this”. But with a bunked mattress, you're not going to be on the bed to start so that quick kiss you snuck during the most romantic scene in Super Troopers will end at just that, a quick kiss.  Girls make decisions based solely on emotion and by the time you got to stop and say “Why don’t we take this 8 ft higher”, she has time to reason, asses the situation and decide maybe this is not the best idea.  There is no getting caught in the heat of the moment when you have to stop and awkwardly ask her to ascend your shaky posts. Pun intended.

    Ahh spring.  No season brings out the joy and beauty of the world quite like a crisp spring day.  All around campus flowers are blooming, birds are singing and girls who didn’t get enough attention from daddy are sprawled out on the quad in their bikinis.  Yes, it truly is the time of year to make one proud to be a fertile young man. 

    It also means the arrival of my favorite days on the college calendar.  I’m not talking about the March escapade south of the border to funnel booze on a cheap beach.  The final weeks of school serve as a hook-up heaven I like to call Spring Cleaning.  You see, it is a time when all of campus seems to be single and the cleaning can lead to a clean up if one plays their cards right - and this year, my deck is stacked.

    Some of you may be familiar with the November cousin to this glorious time of year, the Turkey Dump. Much like the day after Thanksgiving porcelain session, after you get your fill of the main course you inevitably are going to have to ditch some excess weight. As goes with relationships as well directly after Thanksgiving break as fall’s cutest couples call it quits because old flames at home get reunited at Billy's basement kegger and the realization that drunken sex doesn't necessarily constitute as romance. Or more likely than not, your friends two-thumbs downed her Facebook photos. 

    Spring Cleaning is a similar yearly event between Spring Break and finals on campuses across the nation.  Each March, thousands of young people flock to cheap plots of sand and end up falling out of love after their booze laden beach orgies remind them singularity can be a lot of fun. By the time students get back on campus, it truly is the beginning of the end and people tend to pull the plug on anything less than perfect. Everyone wants to have lurid dorm tales and girls know staying in that stagnant, frat boy relationship, will only lead to more post beer-pong flaccidity.

   Spring therefore means a time for new beginnings. Or for all the big game fans out there, hunting season.  But before you can start unloading rounds, try and alter your game to adhere to the end-of-the-year climate. You are no longer trying to do better than the other guys – you're just trying to stand out for two, three weeks tops. Instead of my normal Dick Newcastle patented Two-Week Game routine, which is 24-0-1 at this point (the tie she got naked and then passed out, but we were gonna have sex so I went downstairs to smoke a bowl and don’t count that as a loss), I adopt new techniques and alter my approach. I only need to make few choice actions and she'll ignore my obvious deficiencies.