It’s that time of year, after New Years but before Spring Break, which means, for those of you who frequent the gym, rec center, srsc, whatever it’s called on your campus, you are going to notice an influx of overweight collegiates crowding your favorite bench press or elliptical. And, if you are one of those Fatty McFats that has spent the better part of the first semester pretending to be Michael Phelps while you stuff your chubby little face with 1500 calorie burritos and 2000 calories of beer well then this just may help you.

Nobody likes the gym when it’s crowded. What could easily take you half an hour ends up taking two hours because you have to wait for every machine. Or, even worse, you don’t end up doing a full work out because you get sick of watching the newbies try to figure out the lat pull down that you just cut out early. But, those days are over. I’ve got good news. You don’t have to spend hours in a tightly quartered gym rubbing up against pit stained guys named Moose. You can get a great workout at home.

When I sat down to write this I was trying to think of all the different exercises you could do at home, and then it hit me. What is the most fun activity to do that allows you to work your entire body while still getting your heart rate up for some good cardio? If you said walking up the six flights of stairs in Ballantine Hall I’m going to punch you in the face. Sex! You would be surprised how many calories you can burn during a good ol’fashion coitus session, which is why I have broken down a list detailing the number of calories you can burn in different sex positions. And, for you card carrying individuals I have enlisted the help of ScrewTheGym.com to provide video diagrams ensuring you are maximizing your slay sesh, errr love making.

These are all subject to change depending on how long you can last. A general rule of thumb is you burn this many calories for every 10 minutes you are slammin the salmon.

Missionary: 12 calories

Simple and basic, it’s the equivalent to Mac’n Cheese without the tomato soup. Since this seems to be the standard for the post bar one nightstand I suggest taking an extra shot or two at the bar, so at least you can last more than 2 minutes. Most girls won’t let you get into any of the crazy positions until you have been going at it for a while. Or, try and find a more experienced girl.

(Keep Reading for a look at 69, the Wheelbarrow, the Lap Dance, and more)

The credit crisis has been going on long enough that if you weren’t feeling the effects at the beginning you should be by now.  For those of you who think they credit crunch does not concern you, wake up dumbass, you are getting screwed! Those of us with student loans, those searching for weekend beer money and especially those trying to find jobs after college are feeling the pinch/crunch/bitch slap. But, while most of us struggle to get through, there are some who are killing it right now. Cue Bernard Madoff. Bernie is a Wall Street vet, a former chairman of the NASDAQ, owner of Madoff Investment Securities, LLC., and a Hedge Fund manager. On top of all that Bernie is a scam artist. If you have not heard by now, Bernie was arrested recently for running a Ponzi scheme and losing a reported $50 BILLION! A Ponzi scheme, named after Charles Ponzi, involves paying high returns to investors out of the money paid in by subsequent investors, rather than from the profit from any real business. Sort of a rob Peter to pay Paul kind of deal.

Bernie started getting into trouble when a number of investors wanted to pull $7 billion out of the hedge fund. He realized he did not have the cash on hand to pay all of his clients, which included Steven Spielberg and New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon. Madoff was arrested and has been charged with a single count of securities fraud. He faces up to 20 years in prison and a $5million fine. He has since posted a $10 million bond.

This got us here at Boosh wondering how many people have tried to pull off a similar scheme and failed. Since the Ponzi is setup to fail everyone has to come back to reality eventually. Here are a few of the all-time biggest Ponzi schemes:

Charles Ponzi

This Italian born swindler spent his life coming up with different cons; however, his claim to fame is what has now become known as the “Ponzi” Scheme.

The Crime:

In the 1920s, Charlie ran a scam involving the buying and selling of International Postal Reply Coupons. He used his charm to convince investors that he could offer a 50% return on a 45-day investment, which he did, though he only bought about $30 worth of coupons.  Charlie paid off his investors with the money that new investors poured in. Word spread faster than your roommate running to the bathroom after a 10 sack of sliders. Ponzi was the real deal. He eventually had 40,000 investors totaling $15 million in investments. At his peak, Charlie was earning $250,000 a day, and at one point he made $1 million in the course of 3 hours. FF – that would be just over $10 million today.

The Time:

Charlie eventually stopped bringing in as many new investors and thus could not pay off the old ones. He was arrested and sentenced to 9 years in state prison. After his release he was deported back to Italy where he died penniless in 1949.

The site of a new toy on Christmas morning can bring a child hours, sometimes even days of happiness. I know the majority of Boosh readers are too old for toys, but remember when getting clothes for Christmas was worse than catching the losing end of a most crucial lunchtime trade. It was not that long ago. Though, the toys are gone, they have been replaced with the new phone or ipod or digital camera or phone/ipod/digital camera that you have been wanting.

When you think about it, the life of a new gadget is not all that different from the life of a child’s toy. We have so much fun playing with it. We’re so proud to show it off. Then we get a little bored with it. We start caring less, which leads to dropping it when we’ve had too much eggnog (with nutmeg of course). Eventually, we forget all about it and move on to the latest and greatest. Have you ever stopped to think what happens to your old toys/gadgets? A trip to the local Salvation Army can answer this question.

Walking in I caught a whiff of that old, moth eaten; these clothes have been sitting in someone’s basement for far too long, smell that seems to occupy every SA store. Trying to make my way back to the toy aisle/bin I come across someone I recognize. From the classic 1993 TV show the Power Rangers, the one and only Blue Ranger.

Boosh: This looks like a really nice Salvation Army. Definitely one of the cleanest I’ve seen. How are things treating you on the “Home Wares” shelf? Shouldn’t you be over by the toys aisle?

BR: Yeah! I should be. About a week ago some kid grabbed me off the toy shelf where I was sitting between an armless Barbie and three Hungry Hungry Hippos that had nothing to eat…(wincing) they lost the fourth before I got here. But Grabby McGrabberson pulled me off the shelf after his mother told him No. He shoved me into his sweatpants like a wild bird into a poacher’s cage. Thank god I was able to slide down his leg and out the bottom. His mom found me and put me on this shelf. I haven’t moved since.

You know that girl in (Insert Movie Title)? Yeah, did you know she was in that movie with (Insert Famous Actor)? It seems like every time I watch a movie with someone, these same questions come up. Everyone knows Mischa Barton was the creepy dead girl in the 6th Sense. If you didn’t know that you are probably the same person who couldn’t figure out that Bruce Willis was dead the first time you saw it… sorry to spoil it. The fact is, a lot of today’s hottest Hollywood starlets appeared in some pretty big movies without you even knowing it. So, to answer the above question, here is a list of the lesser-known roles once played by “what’s her face” turned “Yeah, she’s hot”.

Kate Bosworth – Remember the Titans

This beautiful blond bombshell played racist southerner Emma Hoyt in Remember the Titans. Of course, that was before All-American Titan Gerry Bertier showed her how to befriend a different race (Barack would be proud). The reformed good girl image wasn’t cutting it, so she ditched the Southern racist cliché (and all her clothes) to star in Blue Crush. There are very few things hotter than a female surfer.

OTHER HOTNESS: Hayden Panettiere, Ali Larter, Kim Cattrall, Charlize Theron, Katherine Heigl, Halle Berry, Keira Knightley, Scarlett Johansson, Tara Reid, Mila Kunis, Elizabeth Banks

There are two weeks left in the college football regular season, which means, for you post-graduates, you only have two weeks left to venture back to school for a weekend of drinking, tailgating, and generally idiotic behavior.

It’s Friday at 4:58, you’re shutting it down and getting ready to book it out the side door so the boss doesn’t see you. You have spent the week trying to get some extra sleep and drinking lots of water in preparation. The thought of reuniting with the guys from the fraternity and those juniors from the “hot” sorority who are now seniors is overwhelming. These are the girls who have lost their freshman fifteen but have yet to pick up their post-graduate thirty. If you don’t know to whom I am referring go take a look at Debbie in human resources before you leave.  Now before you get too ecstatic there are some crucial points you need to remember for this most auspicious occasion.

Pace yourself:

The good ol’days of drinking 5 nights a week are way behind you. Never mind the fact that you have been working 70 hours a week at the I-Banking gig you scored from the sweet alumni who used to make you walk around with beer cans tied to your nuts. You have not had a “real” night of drinking in probably 6 months. Your body is not ready for the steady flow of alcohol you are about to pour into it starting Friday night and ending somewhere around 3:00 or 4:00am Sunday.