As I move farther from college and deeper into being a "grownup", I've gained a certain perspective on those nostalgia drenched days littered with keg stands, all-nighters, nightmare professors, pull-your-eyeballs-out tests, beautiful people and desperate--but usually futile--attempts to get yourself hooked-up with said beautiful people. As those blurry nights get even more blurry, I cant' help but ask myself: what did I learn? I'm not talking about tests and grades and Math 166 and that Bio lab I flunked my freshman year (the TA didn't speak English.. different story). No I'm talking about the REAL lessons I learned in college, the things they never tested me on but things that should be mandatory curriculum for all students in all disciplines. Read them, my young and naive readers, and bask in the glory of my 23 years of wisdom.

RULE #1:

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DELUDE YOURSELF THAT THE PRIMARY REASON YOU CAME TO COLLEGE WAS ANYTHING OTHER THAN YOUR DESIRE TO GET LAID.

You've watched all the movies, (Roadtrip, Eurotrip, Old School, Animal House) you know what college kids are supposed to want: S-E-X. From the nerdiest Pokemon collecting, Harry Potter reading President of the Anime club to the squarest-jawed, All-American, F-250 HD-drivin', cheerleader-bangin', Abercrombie-wearin' future model citizen of America, we all are hornier than a five-peckered billy-goat. We can't help it because we are driven by millions of years of evolution urging us towards gettin'-down. Don't tell me you came for the academic opportunity to better yourself, or to meet new people and experience new things. Those were considerations, sure, but the main draw of college is the opportunity to meet young attractive people who you would like to touch your private parts (and the opportunity to do so without having to park your ratty Escort in some dark cul-de-sac. I know your ways, you dogs.)  OK, you may not flaunt your real purpose for blowing Ma and Pa's dinero (unless you are one of those frat types, in which case you let the world know exactly how much and what quality of ass you are scoring) and the Jesus-Freaks may downright deny they want anything to do with that sinful mess known as "doin' it", but come on, lets not fool ourselves here, yall of you know what you want, all of you (except you Mormons, I think y'all might actually believe what you say).

(You think it's over? Psh - keep reading, bitches)