There are two weeks left in the college football regular season, which means, for you post-graduates, you only have two weeks left to venture back to school for a weekend of drinking, tailgating, and generally idiotic behavior.

It’s Friday at 4:58, you’re shutting it down and getting ready to book it out the side door so the boss doesn’t see you. You have spent the week trying to get some extra sleep and drinking lots of water in preparation. The thought of reuniting with the guys from the fraternity and those juniors from the “hot” sorority who are now seniors is overwhelming. These are the girls who have lost their freshman fifteen but have yet to pick up their post-graduate thirty. If you don’t know to whom I am referring go take a look at Debbie in human resources before you leave.  Now before you get too ecstatic there are some crucial points you need to remember for this most auspicious occasion.

Pace yourself:

The good ol’days of drinking 5 nights a week are way behind you. Never mind the fact that you have been working 70 hours a week at the I-Banking gig you scored from the sweet alumni who used to make you walk around with beer cans tied to your nuts. You have not had a “real” night of drinking in probably 6 months. Your body is not ready for the steady flow of alcohol you are about to pour into it starting Friday night and ending somewhere around 3:00 or 4:00am Sunday. 

Learn the Lingo:

Do not be distracted by the cool new drinks that have emerged as campus favorites in your absence. With names like AMF (Adios Mother Fucker) and Flat Liner (drop a starry night into a vodka Redbull) they can be difficult to resist. They become even harder to resist when that rookie lacrosse player is calling you a bitch and challenging you to a drinking contest. He will quickly become your least favorite person in the bar, and you will contemplate having him thrown out for being an underage asshole. However, you will come to your senses and realize how Un-Bro that would be, so you accept the challenge. This is where the night can start to go down hill. If you dominate, proclaim “I am frikkin’ awesome!” If you lose, keep your dignity by buying the young winner another round.

Old, but in Charge:

Despite your shortcomings as a drinker you don’t have to worry about being chastised or ridiculed. You will regain your Alpha Male status as soon as everyone realizes you drive a Benz, have the job they all “think” they want, and you have no problem picking up that $30 tab for the 15 shots that were just ordered.

Drinks are Really, Really Cheap:

When you are used to dropping a C-note every night you go out in the city it can be a wonderful feeling to get 5 beers for $10. Now just because everything is half the price does not mean you can drink twice as much. This is not like the real world where the bar has a minimum charge they can put on a credit card so you order 10 drinks because you are afraid to leave your card at the bar when you get too drunk.  Enjoy the relief on your wallet. You will be back to drinking $12 vodka tonics soon enough.

Tailgate = Day Drinking = Sloppy Mess:

Day drinking can take a toll on anyone especially if you are out of practice. No matter how much people egg you on, it is difficult for anyone to do more than a few 3-story beer bongs. Do one to show that you aren’t a complete loser and then switch to flip cup or, better yet, switch to hitting on some cute college girls. Flip cup offers a good in at this point or just flash your keys. No one will remember that you only did one beer bong, but they will forever remember the night you shacked in the dorms.

If you follow these steps you should be able to get through the weekend with a hangover and some pretty good stories. No matter what you do, Monday morning is going to be worse than the time you tried to do 40 hands with champagne (for your own safety please do not try this). Allow yourself a good week to recover, and you will be ready to hit the town next weekend. FF – passing out in a parking garage elevator and going to the hospital is a sweet story but hell on your wallet / dignity.