There are two weeks left in the college football regular season, which means, for you post-graduates, you only have two weeks left to venture back to school for a weekend of drinking, tailgating, and generally idiotic behavior.

It’s Friday at 4:58, you’re shutting it down and getting ready to book it out the side door so the boss doesn’t see you. You have spent the week trying to get some extra sleep and drinking lots of water in preparation. The thought of reuniting with the guys from the fraternity and those juniors from the “hot” sorority who are now seniors is overwhelming. These are the girls who have lost their freshman fifteen but have yet to pick up their post-graduate thirty. If you don’t know to whom I am referring go take a look at Debbie in human resources before you leave.  Now before you get too ecstatic there are some crucial points you need to remember for this most auspicious occasion.

Pace yourself:

The good ol’days of drinking 5 nights a week are way behind you. Never mind the fact that you have been working 70 hours a week at the I-Banking gig you scored from the sweet alumni who used to make you walk around with beer cans tied to your nuts. You have not had a “real” night of drinking in probably 6 months. Your body is not ready for the steady flow of alcohol you are about to pour into it starting Friday night and ending somewhere around 3:00 or 4:00am Sunday.

      As I move farther from college and deeper into being a "grownup", I've gained a certain perspective on those nostalgia drenched days littered with keg stands, all-nighters, nightmare professors, pull-your-eyeballs-out tests, beautiful people and desperate--but usually futile--attempts to get yourself hooked-up with said beautiful people. As those blurry nights get even more blurry, I cant' help but ask myself: what did I learn? I'm not talking about tests and grades and Math 166 and that Bio lab I flunked my freshman year (the TA didn't speak English.. different story). No I'm talking about the REAL lessons I learned in college, the things they never tested me on but things that should be mandatory curriculum for all students in all disciplines. Read them, my young and naive readers, and bask in the glory of my 23 years of wisdom.

RULE #1:

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DELUDE YOURSELF THAT THE PRIMARY REASON YOU CAME TO COLLEGE WAS ANYTHING OTHER THAN YOUR DESIRE TO GET LAID.

You've watched all the movies, (Roadtrip, Eurotrip, Old School, Animal House) you know what college kids are supposed to want: S-E-X. From the nerdiest Pokemon collecting, Harry Potter reading President of the Anime club to the squarest-jawed, All-American, F-250 HD-drivin', cheerleader-bangin', Abercrombie-wearin' future model citizen of America, we all are hornier than a five-peckered billy-goat. We can't help it because we are driven by millions of years of evolution urging us towards gettin'-down. Don't tell me you came for the academic opportunity to better yourself, or to meet new people and experience new things. Those were considerations, sure, but the main draw of college is the opportunity to meet young attractive people who you would like to touch your private parts (and the opportunity to do so without having to park your ratty Escort in some dark cul-de-sac. I know your ways, you dogs.)  OK, you may not flaunt your real purpose for blowing Ma and Pa's dinero (unless you are one of those frat types, in which case you let the world know exactly how much and what quality of ass you are scoring) and the Jesus-Freaks may downright deny they want anything to do with that sinful mess known as "doin' it", but come on, lets not fool ourselves here, yall of you know what you want, all of you (except you Mormons, I think y'all might actually believe what you say).

(You think it's over? Psh - keep reading, bitches)

As the semester comes to a close, so do those wonderful unpaid slave labor operations that we refer sweetly to as "internships". As an intern, especially in the media industry, times can be tough. Your main jobs usually include making copies, collating, and filing. And don't forget the coffee. With your internship done, it might be hard to look for the silver lining – especially if it was particularly bad. You may not have learned a thing other than office politics (which is a major learning experience) and left your resume in the hands of someone who will forget your name the minute you walk out the door. But think of it this way, it could've been a lot worse. We searched far and wide to find some of the worst intern stories just so you, the Boosh faithful, can rest a little easier.


Facebook Drama
"The Book" has become the unofficial background check for employers to see just how their fresh crop of candidates acts outside of the 9-5. While pictures of you wasted, puking in a dumpster are really humorous – your boss might not agree. One thing is for certain, he will definitely be pissed if he finds out how you really spend your day according to your Facebook status. Back in 2006, there was an article in Entrepeneur magazine highlighting a case from Ziggs.com where the bossman read his summer intern's description of his job as "screwing around on IM" and "talking to my friends and getting paid for it." The intern was confronted and promptly dismissed. WHOLE STORY

 Sort of. You won't get a degree or a high-paying job afterwards. You might not even be smart. But you will be smarter.