There are very few things these days that are helping our demoralized economy.  Some students have been living on a gravy train with biscuit wheels throughout their college career [for anyone who caught that Ernie McCracken line from Kingpin, I commend you].  Anyway, most college students never had to solve an ‘insufficient funds’ problem themselves.  Relief was always a phone call home to eliminate that red number on your Bank of America statement.  Nonetheless, as our country tip toes economic destitution, parents might be asking their frivolous son or daughter to limit the spending.  This turmoil presents new questions to the average student.  They are being presented with new sets of choices that they had previously never thought about.  Financial obligations include school supplies, food, and board.  Thus, question then presents itself, “if we’re broke, how do we drink?”

Previously, we’ve always been able to have our cake and eat it too.  There are obvious ways to drink without having any money.  For example, the deliberate misuse of a credit card.  Let’s just say that it’s no longer just for emergencies.  Also effective, is the abuse of a gas card.  The seasoned veteran knows that the gas card also works inside the convenient store.  The best part about the purchase is that it shows up on the billing statement as ‘groceries’.  Finally, the granddaddy of them all, the “Dollar You Call It.”  Its name is exactly its function.  For some, “The Dollar You Call It” is a myth but for others, a way of life.  For spacing purposes, the “Dollar You Call It” will now be referenced as ‘DYCs’.

Over the years DYCs have evolved into multiple variations.  Some might have the ‘Anything for a Dollar’, ‘Dollar Drinks’, or the cheap knock off version ‘Two Dollar You Call It’ [don’t ever be fooled by that last one].  The marketing and advertising effect of DYCs is undeniable.  It can be best described with the evolution of Arizona State’s local DYC bar, The Vine.  What began as a local hole in the wall in 2005, The Vine was one of the few bars that I was able to get into with my freshman year fake ID.  One night a week they would have DYCs and the place would be packed.  This was one of the few nights I would stand weary with my flimsy California ID that scanned but didn’t black light.  Sophomore year presented problems as The Vine swiped my ID prior to a DYC night.  Junior year brought good news as I turned 21 and The Vine expanded DYCs to Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  It seemed like it was DYC all the time.  As DYCs expanded their weekly run, also did the customer base.  What started off as a cult bar with shady looking, good people, evolved into a local hot spot with good looking, shady people.  Regardless of its expanse of trendiness, pros and cons are clearly defined in the realm of the DYC.

Beer Goggles

·           Despite what the members of the opposite sex look like when you arrive, they are most definitely going to look better when you leave.

Pro: Everyone goes out to a bar in hopes of meeting sexy people.  If the sex life hasn’t been plentiful of late, it is a perfect chance to possibly catch someone off guard.
Con:  Upon catching somebody off guard, be careful in the morning as DYCs have caused frequent shock situations in the past upon recognizing the lagoon creature on the pillow to the left.

Cheap Drinks

·           Unfortunately, it might be too good to be true because ‘dollar you call it’ typically means ‘two dollar you call it’. Two dollars equals three, and so on and so forth.  The silent, distasteful look never ceases to leave a bartender’s face if you dare stiff him for a tip.

Pro: Despite the price markup for inclusion of tip, you still get a lot of bang for your buck.  Drink liquor and it will definitely make your dollar go farther.
Con: Just because they are a dollar doesn’t mean you can afford to buy the entire bar a drink.  Those numbers just don’t add up.

SUI (Singing Under Influence)

·          On certain special nights The Vine has live music followed by karaoke followed again by more live music.  The professional musician has to come back on stage so customers don’t leave angry.

Pro: It’s good to participate early in the night, obviously not sober, but after the buzz sets in.  This will ensure a solid performance and that you don’t choose to sing Journey.
Con: It’s bad to participate post-buzz. You will choose Journey and you will suck.

        Beyond pros and cons, there are step by step strategies in order to hoard some cash while all the while sufficiently inebriating.  Step one, arrive early.  Cover usually starts at nine, arrive around 8:30, have some dinner, and take advantage of the extra five bucks you’ll save.  Step two, join a table with friend or even an acquaintance with an open tab.  By the time the check comes you can tally your drinks without having to tip each time.  The card holder will never gripe because he thinks he’s getting a good deal.  Step three, buy a large round early in the night with the understanding that those who participate will reciprocate.  This provides you with at least four or more free drinks in the future.  Step four, order booze drinks without ice.  I want some ice with my drink and not some drink with my ice.  Bartenders are told to water it down on promotional nights, plus, drinks at room temperature go down easier.  Finally, all females need not worry about any of these strategies.  Bartenders will always give you freebies.  For the men, the number one way to stretch your dollar, bring girls…

        The one message I’ll leave you with is to get out and vote.  Who knows if John or Barack has the solution?  Regardless of candidate preference, we need to figure this economy thing out.  College students around the country are suffering from insufficient funds therefore insufficient sociability.  The DYC is not a permanent solution to America’s problems; however, they do a hell of a job helping us forget about them.  Speak up people, and let’s drink for a dollar.