Boosh Magazine uncovered startling information regarding America's new gaming obsession, Wii. That's right - investigative journalism. Didn't think we could handle it, Dad. It seems that Wii isn't all fun and games. If you think playing video games is a safe way to spend an evening indoors then you better put on a mental seatbelt, because your mind is about to get blown.

It is now a grim reality that playing the Nintendo Wii gaming system leads to much more than a good time. Sometimes, it leads to death. Because of motion sensitive remote controls and other interactive game components that require physical movement, Wii’ers worldwide are feeling the painful side effects of video game bowling, dancing and tennis-ing. Much like big Tobacco, big Nintendo knows about these injuries and has kept them secret until now:

Wii Elbow

    Elbow cramps ain't just for Tennis anymore, kids. Coming from excessively repeated movement of the joint, Wii Elbow has been said by victims to "hurt like a bitch". If it’s a bad enough case, and trust me, it always is, it leaves a deformity. Why?  Wii is addictive, much like meth. Users feel the pain of an overworked elbow joint, but can’t stop; it’s just too fun. It takes over their bodies and lives, leaving a path of sore and deformed elbows in its wake.
 

Wii-Zures

(Nintendo Induced Sensory Overload)

    Wii Dance Dance Revolution is a great way to get off of the couch and get the blood pumping. However, the game was invented by Japanese robots and the fast moving colors and flashing lights have been known to cause immediate sensory overload. Once those beats start dropping and you start dancing, you just can’t stop. Victims dance though breakfast, dance through work, dance through dinner and continue to dance it up though bed time. The pulsating techno and neon colors can cause heart failure, respiratory problems, and in most cases - brain explosion. After 24 hours of dancing, most members of a test study were on the ground, their bodies pulsating with the still steady infectious grooves.

 Wii Eye

    Staring at a TV screen for prolonged periods of time can rot you vision. And when playing Wii, a person is likely to stare at a TV for 10+ hours, and that is a low estimate. The effects of this are nothing short of tragic; the human eye becomes bloodshot, puffy and deformed. It can’t take the stress of watching millions of pixels blink for half a day non-stop.  The most common side effect of this horrible injury is inability to attract opposite sex. Though control group of gamers without Wii eye suffered similar results.

 Wii Wrist

    Playing a Wii gets intense. Really intense. Well, not really intense, but pretty intense. Combine a swinging controller with a loosely secured wrist guard, and the end result is a broken tv screen with a Wii controller lodged into it. Not cool. To protect one’s TV a Wii-head must strap that guard real tight. Dangerously tight.  End result is something that looks like stigmata.

Wii Neck

     Mario Tennis can be rowdy. You need to swing that remote with all your might to get that ball where it needs to go (also known as "Victory Town"). You need to run down those sideline balls too. Studies found that gamers running too hard after the imaginary ball had a 60% chance of tripping and putting their head through a wall. don’t run too hard. And then you have a much bigger problem besides it being double set point in favor of your opponent. Because your head is stuck in a wall and you're probably dead.

 Wii OCD

    Once you start Wii-ing, you can’t stop. All activites need to either be combined with, or take a backseat to, the almighty Wii. That includes going to the bathroom.  Just pray that you aren’t hooked to Wii Dance when you need to take a number two. That could get disgusting.