Ahh spring. No season brings out the joy and beauty of the world quite like a crisp spring day. All around campus flowers are blooming, birds are singing and girls who didn’t get enough attention from daddy are sprawled out on the quad in their bikinis. Yes, it truly is the time of year to make one proud to be a fertile young man.
It also means the arrival of my favorite days on the college calendar. I’m not talking about the March escapade south of the border to funnel booze on a cheap beach. The final weeks of school serve as a hook-up heaven I like to call Spring Cleaning. You see, it is a time when all of campus seems to be single and the cleaning can lead to a clean up if one plays their cards right - and this year, my deck is stacked.
Some of you may be familiar with the November cousin to this glorious time of year, the Turkey Dump. Much like the day after Thanksgiving porcelain session, after you get your fill of the main course you inevitably are going to have to ditch some excess weight. As goes with relationships as well directly after Thanksgiving break as fall’s cutest couples call it quits because old flames at home get reunited at Billy's basement kegger and the realization that drunken sex doesn't necessarily constitute as romance. Or more likely than not, your friends two-thumbs downed her Facebook photos.
Spring Cleaning is a similar yearly event between Spring Break and finals on campuses across the nation. Each March, thousands of young people flock to cheap plots of sand and end up falling out of love after their booze laden beach orgies remind them singularity can be a lot of fun. By the time students get back on campus, it truly is the beginning of the end and people tend to pull the plug on anything less than perfect. Everyone wants to have lurid dorm tales and girls know staying in that stagnant, frat boy relationship, will only lead to more post beer-pong flaccidity.
Spring therefore means a time for new beginnings. Or for all the big game fans out there, hunting season. But before you can start unloading rounds, try and alter your game to adhere to the end-of-the-year climate. You are no longer trying to do better than the other guys – you're just trying to stand out for two, three weeks tops. Instead of my normal Dick Newcastle patented Two-Week Game routine, which is 24-0-1 at this point (the tie she got naked and then passed out, but we were gonna have sex so I went downstairs to smoke a bowl and don’t count that as a loss), I adopt new techniques and alter my approach. I only need to make few choice actions and she'll ignore my obvious deficiencies.
An effective stallion, such as myself, can use the ammo given in that first week of bitchin about boyfriends past to continue that hook up till the end of the year. I listen to her bitch (Author’s note: I only suggest you listen just this one time, you ain’t trying to be her friend) and then remind her of everything I have that her ex-boyfriend lacks. Such as: a comfortable clean house, a charming personality, and a 3 lb. penis. Yes, that’s correct, length is no longer a pertinent measure. While your grandpa’s six-inch sturgeon may have seemed like a full meal during the depression, today’s discerning female knows a man is truly measured by his overall mass. For those wondering: its 3 lbs of cock, 7 lb if you include the balls, and 7.3 lb unshaven. So work with what you've got, three pound hammer or not, and she'll no doubt say “he’s different” as long as you are sure to differentiate yourself from the ex in question.
Spring Cleaning is also short enough that any hook-up you've got going on will stay as just that, a hook-up. You can come up with an infinite amount of excuses as to why you shouldn't date and keep the "so what are we" conversation at a minimum. I suggest something that sounds noble, but also leaves you completely outside of contact all summer long. My standby is “I am working with retarded baby dolphins in South America” but feel free to create ones of your own. Bonus points for how many different stories you tell different ladies, and more points if any of her friends ask about how they too can get involved with developmentally challenged Argentinean man-fish. These stories not only free up your summer fling schedule, but keep you from looking like a dick which opens you to resume with her and her friends when classes begin in the fall.
These strategies may have to be altered slightly as all women are unique like snowflakes or whatever, but if you follow this plan I promise after spring break you’ll be elbow deep until summer.
