As girls mature with age, they acquire a collection of small talents. They’ll master crossing their legs without a Sharon Stone moment, manage a perfectly sassy strut in stiletto pumps, and pull off Carrie Bradshaw outfits without Patricia Field. But there’s one talent that only the most passionate, propitious and brave girls will master. Blowjobs are of the finest craft. Not everyone has the aptitude to give good brain. The best way to learn this fine skill is a hands-on lesson with your time-honor -ed booty call. I can’t even pretend to impart that level of education onto you, but I can certainly offer the best supplementary guide to giving great head.

    The prospect of giving head haunts so many girls. It’s late night, you’ve been making out for a while now, and it’s time to get down to business. If you dreaded this for the whole make out sesh, the next half hour is going to be brutal. You should want to give this guy head. (If you don’t want to, like really want to, why’s he in your bed in the first place?) Your attitude is going to make or break your performance. You are pleasuring your boy in a very special, intimate way. His family jewels, his manliness, his authority, are under your care. The most sacred part of his body, that which will eventually give life, is in your control!

Rule Number 1: L’Chaim! To life!

If you go in there with the attitude that you’ve been given a cruel punishment, it’s going to feel like it. Take the opportunity you’ve been given as a stage on which to perform your greatest soliloquy. Give him the concert of his life. This is your chance to dance circles around his head. Literally. So suck it up, again, literally, and go down on your man with pride and passion.

Rule Number 2: Adriana Lima

You know who she is, it’s hard not to. Victoria’s Secret shoves her down our throats like Pam did Tommy. The point is, Ms. Lima’s allure comes from a rather systematic quality in women. They’re called bedroom eyes. For colloquial purposes, we can even call them fuck me eyes. When her Brazilian green beauties look out at you, under her irises are little spaces of white. The sexy quality of that stare is what you achieve when you look up at your boy from down under. Boys love that stare. And when their member is in your mouth, they love it even more. So give ‘em what they want, a little eye candy. Making eye contact while going down can be toxic to your man. You want to be there, and when your eyes tell him that, he’s only going to want you even more. Bat those baby blues, he wants to see who’s taking care of Johnny.            

Rule Number 3: Start a Revolution

When I was in eighth grade, my girlfriends and I decided that we were going to teach ourselves how to give head. Seeing as we had no one to volunteer for practice lessons, and we weren’t slutty yet, we directed our attention to the kitchen. Armed with carrots and bananas, (both extremely poor penis models), we experimented with this unfamiliar procedure. All we could do was go up and down and pretend to suck. Sucking is important, duh. Going up and down is pretty essential, too. But we aren’t interested in mediocrity. And we’re not in eighth grade anymore, either. It’s time to put a little Marx in your world and stir it up a bit. Revolutions, ladies, revolutions! The classic up and down is great, it is. But stagnation is boring. You’re not a machine that just bobs up and down. Your tongue is the strongest muscle in your body. It’s a powerful asset. Spin around in circles and you won’t be the one that gets dizzy. Its called starting an uprising…            

Rule Number 4: Kickball

Do you remember the reason we were forced to play kickball in grade school? Well if you were disenchanted by this “sport” as I was in fourth grade, you would’ve asked your PE coach “Why are you making me play this stupid game?” If you didn’t ask, or you just don’t share my ingratitude for kickball, there was indeed a purpose for the game aside from the oodles of fun getting hit by balls is. (Red ones, that is, not the friendly kind.) “To develop your hand and eye coordination,” supposedly. Now, I have to of course disagree with that skill being a result of playing kickball. But I’ll buy into my coach’s answer because let’s be honest, we all need to coordinate our hands and eyes for numerous activities. Coach Hewitt might argue otherwise, but the most important activity that hand-eye coordination helps is dropping dome. You’ve gotta focus on stimulating the tip, the shaft, and never forget the boys downstairs. While you’re rotating around and looking from up to down, your hands should be busy making moves. A little squeeze here and there, some massaging to be fair, and a tug or two to show you care. If you liked catching balls back in PE, then game over, baby. Kickball is finally paying off.            

Rule Number 5: The Art of Conversation

My final tip to you darling may seem like an oxymoron. But we’re ladies, and when in the presence of a gentlemen, we must be considerate and polite. While dining with your man, you ask him how his meal is; you offer to pour more wine. While giving brain, we must mind our manners. Obviously, we never speak with our mouths full. Swallow first, and then check up on him. Head should not be reminiscent of an exam. You’re allowed to look at your neighbor for answers. Casually ask what’s up. How ya doin’ up there, big guy? Remind him how generous and considerate you are. Punctuate your swirls and bobs and squeezes with some caring dialogue. Know when to talk, and when to tongue. Be a lady, polite and efficient in every situation.            

Head is a talent, a skill, a performance. Enjoy it! Relish in it! You have so much to offer and nothing to lose. If you enjoy what you do, then he will too. There’s no need to be afraid of it. A good blowjob can go a long way. Look what it did for Bill. If W was getting some head, who knows what the world would be like?