Boosh Magazine :: Your Campus Unfiltered :: New Locations for GTA V: Part 2

Updated: June 20, 2008

5. GTA Paris

Instead of being reckless, Rockstar wants you to just be rude. You're a beret wearing, chain-smoking, cell phone abuser who walks Parisian streets judging passer-bys. There aren't a whole lot of missions as anything involving 'work' is strictly prohibited in French culture. You can cruise around town in small European autos, pick up fashionista hos on the Champs-Élysées and hate on everyone different than you.

New Vehicles:
Vespa
Smart Car

Missions:
"Le Train Strike"
Sit around and do nothing because you want a longer lunch, shut down the entire city's transportation system, and totally fuck up everyone else's trip to Paris. I mean, seriously, would it have killed you to drive a bus instead of leaving me stranded for two days?

"Le Pretentious Modern Art Show"
Stare at lines on canvas and discuss it for hours with other douchebags in designer clothes. Then listen to Euro-beats.

6. GTA Canada

Because the game is set in our northern neighbor, this game blows on multiple levels. All subtitles are in French and English, the cops ride around on horses, and the landscape is a barren wasteland full of frozen tundra and moose. Get ready to sit on flat patches of pavement passing another car or human habitation every 10 minutes. Not a lot of radio stations as you are in the middle of nowhere and you'll see more bears than humans. And almost every mission involves hockey at least some point.

New Vehicles
Mounty Horse
Ice Skates

Missions:
"Putting the mount in Mounty"
One of the women working the local police force is no longer appeased by bribes of venison jerky, so its time to give her a little something extra to keep the heat off. And that something is Canadian missionary position - much like regular missionary, only lamer.

"Freeze to Death"
It's Canada and it's friggin' cold. If you get out of your car and try walking around, you have about 20 seconds before frostbite takes you down.

7. GTA Aruba

To contrast the barren frozen hell that is of the Great North, head down south to the Caribbean for some fun, sun, and Trenchtown shack ghettoes. Combat other gangs vying for complete Island control and even take to the seas to raise havoc the way of your pirate ancestors. So take this island community by storm both by land and by sea.

New Vehicles
Resort Aqua-Paddle Bikes
Pirate Flag Speed Boats

Mission
"Steal White Kids"
To make some extra bank, you pick up some friends and head down to the club strip just outside the resorts. Come last call, usher the drunk and impressionable white kids over to your van and collect ransom.

"Pirate Bay"
Drive your schooner out to civilian sail boats and get some booty. And take that anyway you want.

8. GTA Tijuana

If you think Liberty City is lawless, you've never been across the border. Welcome to GTA Tijuana, or as its more commonly known Grand Theft Poverty. There are no cars to steal as there are no cars, period. You wander markets and make most of your living from smuggling things into the United States, whether it be migrant workers or balloons of heroin. Having sex with prostitutes will actually take health away and if you get caught by the police you don't restart at the station. You sit and fester in jail until your game console burns out.

New Vehicles:
Border Patrol Jeep
Hollowed-out Drug Trucks

Missions:
"I Need a Yob"
At the urging of your unemployed cousin looking for great wages as a fruit picker, help little Raulito sneak into los Estados Unidos and get past Border Patrol.

"Mariachi Mayhem"
Pose as a mariachi band and steal as many purses/wallets as possible from Los Angeles day-trippers.

9. GTA College

A location that will hit close to home with the major gaming demographic, GTA is going collegiate. You're the big man on campus now fulfilling every illegal dorm room dealings from making fake IDs for freshman to peddling herb to the philosophy department. With sorostitutes on every corner and a keg on every porch, the campus is your playground and the quad is your domain. Now even the most hardcore gamers can experience the college lifestyle without leaving the comfort of their 10x14 dormitory cells while their roommate humps a drunken bar-slut in the top bunk.

New Vehicles
Sidewalk Longboards
The Dean's Lexus

Missions:
"Sigma Beta Drunk"
The girls at SBE are having a toga party tonight and a few of the pledges need an extra buzz before slipping into bed sheets twice in one night. Deliver a couple bottles of Grey Goose and make some friends.

"Strip, Please"
The lacrosse team is throwing a rager and they want some entertainment. Pick up some girls and bring them over, but watch for wandering hands and pending lawsuits.