I’ve learned a lot of things in my past couple years here at the college level and sad to say most of them are completely non-academic in nature. I know that it takes 4½ minutes to make two packs of EasyMac in the microwave. I know that Monday is 35 cent wings at BW3s. That a power hour takes about 7 beers to complete and that the secret ingredient in Taco Bell's Cheesy Gordita Crunch is an 8-ball of the Columbian Bam Bam.

    While these are all extremely important lessons, by far the greatest is that a student ID is like a get out of jail free card. Simply flashing the card not only allows you to pass GO, but you can collect that fat $200 and charge the fucking thimble rent when he lands on Pennsylvania Ave. One screw up and the response will inevitably be: Oh, it’s ok, he’s in college. Adults expect college students to run into some good drunken trouble once in a while. Why, you may ask? Simple, they all wish they could go back there. They will live vicariously through your hookups and beer bongs and laugh about it. You really can do anything short of killing someone and it turns into a huge joke.

     When I was a freshman, it was how I bought food and books. Now it gets me on the city buses for free, half off haircuts, and access to every building on campus if I act like I know what I’m doing. I have no reason to be in the primate lab, but swipe the student ID and I can spend the rest of the afternoon taunting chimpanzees. Even if I was to get caught, I’d just have to show the ID card and the police and I would all have a good laugh and then go burn through the streets, sirens blaring, and Def Leppard blaring over the stereo.

     As most of you know, there is a lot of play within the laws of a campus environment, and a student ID is your VIP access to run rampant in those gray areas. The legal drinking age is 16 and you might as well be in Amsterdam with all the things one can inhale in the dormitory. Some towns even have special discount rates for local students at their detox centers. They want you to be hammered drunk.

     However, I feel we need a disclaimer. Not every stupid decision students make are laughable matters. Sometimes there are severe criminal punishments that must be put into effect. Remember, you’re in college but you can still be tried as an adult. But also remember that you’re in college, and people don’t expect a whole lot from you. It only takes one look at the “College Blotter” to see that there is some brilliance in the debauchery that takes place on campuses across the country. Not every idea you have when you are drunk is a good one, but a good majority of them are nothing short of legendary. So streak the quad, sex up a fat chick, and steal the slushie machine from the student union for a Margarita Monday fiesta in your dorm room. Have fun, don’t let the man get you down, and ease up – you’re in college. Get drunk and make some questionable decisions. It’s what your parents would want.