In honor of the American man-fish that is Michael Phelps, we started thinking what it would be like to hang out with the Gold medal athlete. Maybe how awesome he would be on dry land, perhaps at the most collegiate of college settings: a keg party. If there's anything American Olympic athletes know how to do this year, it's celebrate. Here is why we think Phelps would destroy when it comes to a beer-infused coed get together:

Keg Stand

Fact: Michael Phelps breathes under water. When it comes to getting elevated and chugging from the tap, it's the need for air that stops even the most seasoned veterans from keeping the countdown going. If dolphin-boy stepped up to the plate, I could see him easily draining half the barrel without breaking a sweat. I hear that's how he warms up.

Picking Up Chicks

Girls, especially of college age, are a lot like raccoons. They wear too much stuff around their eyes, they travel in packs under the cover of darkness, and are attracted to shiny objects. As we've learned from every rapper ever, nothing blings quite like Gold, and I can think of one person who has a mantle full of neck jewelry that could turn some heads.

Flip Cup

It's the only real kegger team-sport out there, the success of your squad is determined by how well each player can operate when the pressure is on. If we're picking teams, I want the guy who keeps bringing home Gold in relays. Not only will he bring his A-game, but he'll do it in world record time.

Beer Pong

Every college party you walk into separates the competitors from the barely-standing on the Beer Pong table. With a 6.5' arm span, it would not be hard for Michael to simply reach a bit and drop the ball in the opposing teams cups. Just know Phelps, if you try to bring that trash into my house we're enacting the elbow rule.

Talking to the Cops

If the party is awesome, the 5-0 will inevitably roll up to try and bring you down. Complaining about the "noise" or that your friend "lit a couch on fire in the middle of the street", and no one wants to be the one to answer the door because that's a buzzkill. You're a keg deep – English is no longer a familiar language. But part of being America's Swimming Sweetheart is media relations. Speedo, Visa, Powerbar – his sponsors believe he can talk, so when it comes to taking the heat off I'm sending Phelps upstairs to be the spokesperson for the entire party.

Edward 40 Hands

It is important for an Olympic caliber athlete to have control over his entire body, from muscles to bodily functions. Do you think Phelps can excuse himself during a race to relieve himself in the locker room? I think not. So when it comes to duct taping some malt liquor to hands and giving up opposable thumbs until finished, the one guy who we're sure will be able to keep the seal from breaking is the guy whose done his homework.

Puke & Rally

Last night he came back from nowhere to win the butterfly, so we know he can return from being down. He's an Olympic athlete –  the pressures of a meet have without a doubt gotten to his stomach and had him praying to the porcelain Gods on more than one occasion. So if he's gotten his fill binging, I think he could empty his gut and keep going in prime fashion. That's what being an Olympian is all about: overcoming fits of vomit.

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